Midyear Maybes

Aug 14, 2016

Another goodbye is waiting for me at the doorstep. Maybe it's time that I take it — a three-year promise to be a million miles away from mother tongues and my mother asking for hardware management. Maybe it's time I stay where I am and unpack, fully.

I remember last July, on my birthday week, I was lining up to get my passport and Schengen Visa. Spending weekends inside airplanes and window seats and saying "hello," "goodbye," "nice to meet you," to different time zones, languages, and weathers.

It's July and nothing much has changed. I've been lining up to different establishments, asking for advises about my failing body, lining up in radiology rooms asking for x-rays, buying anti-virals and vitamins. Talking to people in a different dialect, saying hellos and goodbyes to strangers, and of course, running away.

A few weeks ago, I dreamt of J. It's that kind of dream you don't remember but when you wake up, you feel it. I called him and he answered and I didn't make a sound. He kept saying, "hello, good evening." I wanted to say "hello, I dreamt about you and I don't remember what it was and I'm calling to make sure that I don't miss you but I do, and it sucks because I don't want to." But I didn't say anything and I kept listening to his voice because I haven't heard it for so long. It was like I was waiting for the gun at the start of an unending race. I backed out and ended the call and moved on with my life, doing campaign decks for future clients.

Maybe I don't feel anything for him anymore but maybe I'm wrong. The goal is to reach a place where feelings are no longer there, but where I stand now the feelings say "I'm happy for you and it was nice to meet you." There are too many questions inside me now and I can't seem to answer all of them. The formula would always be, "Maybe if I... Then I will..."

Answers to questions seem to be like searching for the last tooth in your mouth with your tongue. You look for it as if it's not there but in reality, it is and it hasn't been extracted yet. When you do it with your fingers, it's different too. The last time I tried to find the last tooth in my mouth, I broke a chip off and almost swallowed it. A few moments after, it started aching. I had to run fast to the pharmacy and buy toothache drops. Answers to questions seem to be impossible to find but when you find them you'll lose something too and it's going to ache but you'll find a place to get a cure for it in no time.

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