Bednotes: Thursday

Jul 1, 2016


2:53 AM — A boy is asleep beside me.

Nothing really special about it, except a while ago we sang "Baby, It's Cold Outside." The room is dark but I can feel his eyes look at me as he explained how the song works and that I should sing the girl part. A boy sleeps beside me and he snores loudly, that's why I'm still awake. Before taking our clothes off, he told me "word of advice, never date a law student," so I replied "good thing you're a lawyer now."

6:45 AM — Sleep is bad but to wake up beside a snoring bear kind of makes it better. I stood up and put my shirt on, walk to the table and got my glasses. The last 15grams of my coarse ground coffee will be brewed for the bear when he wakes up.

Last night, he told me "you'll wake up earlier than me because you're sleeping in a new bed and you'll be hearing a new alarm." I shrugged it off before sleeping but now as I think about it, he was right. That's how it goes? When you're in a new place with a new person, you wake up early? If it goes like that, I'll take it straight up.

Everything about him is new to me. His smell, his eyes, his scruff, his sound, his place. He's like the good that I finally deserve after tasting all the bad.

It's 6:45AM and he's right — I woke up early because the bed is new and his snoring is unbearable. I wonder if I'll be given enough time to get used to it, to him, and to me waiting for the water to boil for me to brew the last of my coarse ground coffee.

12:35 PM — Butterflies flutter in my stomach and I let it be. I think about last night and I can't help but smile. The last time I felt giddy like this, it was with guilt.

When you fuck around with a boy who has a lover, the after taste will always, always be bittersweet. Guilt is bad coffee and expired cigarettes, or cheap wine, or cotton mouth in the morning. Bad hangover is waiting and waking up groggy is next, but before that he tells you "can we take a bath now, I smell like infidelity."

It's about time I appreciate these butterflies in my stomach as just butterflies making me giddy, not as elephants that need to be recognized and truths that need to be told.

This time, it's just butterflies and nothing more.

All photos taken during my last days in Davao, before leaving for Thailand, in 35mm film.

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